It has been too long since I've posed on this blog. For those following this blog, please accept my apologies. I'm going to try to be more active in blogging about my anxiety experiences because I have heard from so many that this actually is helping them! I'm so happy to hear that and hope, even more, that I can start seeing comments on the website. Please feel free to send me a personal email message if you would like to talk about anything that is posted on this blog. You can find my email under the "Contact" ribbon.
Update on My Journey:
Before we talk about therapy, I wanted to share with you my ongoing journey. I had a bad week and today I woke up angry. Why was I angry? Last night, I was arguably at the nicest and best seafood restaurant in Cleveland, hosting my aunt and uncle who drove 3+ hours from Michigan to visit me. We were enjoying the wonderful view, the bottle of wine that my boyfriend graciously bought for the table, and our delicious appetizers. Everything was perfect. And then, out of nowhere, and for no rhyme or reason, I started feeling very anxious. The anxiety starting feel insurmountable. I excused myself from the table and said I had to go to the bathroom. I sat in the bathroom for about 10 minutes, breathing deeply and focusing on the techniques that I've learned over the past 2 years. I was able to calm myself down, and the anxiety started to feel more manageable. I went back to the table and tried to enjoy conversation and wine. Boom. Just like that, I was excusing myself again to go to the bathroom to manage insurmountable feelings of panic and anxiety. I again worked through the feelings and used the breathing/meditation techniques I practice on a daily basis to get through the panic. I was successful and the anxiety never reached a full blown panic attack. I didn't tell my family or my boyfriend what was going on. For me, I find it easiest to not draw attention to my anxiety.
When I got home last night, everyone went to bed and I laid on the couch, feeling terrible. All I wanted to do was cry. The night was spoiled. I was mad (mostly because of the anxiety, but also because I couldn't enjoy the $40 bouillabaisse that I ordered). I laid on the couch for the better half of an hour, smelling my lavender essential oil and doing a guided meditation exercise on my iPhone using the app called "Calm." I struggled the rest of the night trying to calm my anxiety down. All I wanted to do was fall asleep so that my thoughts would stop and I wouldn't suffer anymore.
I eventually fell asleep and woke up today feeling angry. I asked myself questions like "why do I have to suffer from anxiety?" "I've worked so hard these past 2+ years and I'm still suffering - will it ever get better?" I finally told my boyfriend what happened and it felt comforting to talk to him about it. I went out to breakfast with my aunt and uncle and felt fine all day.
Last night's experience brought me back to August 2014 when I was supposed to visit my aunt and uncle in Michigan for a weekend. My panic had gotten so bad that I had to cancel the trip entirely. That's when I began my journey and really said "enough is enough." I was angry last night and today because here I am, 2 years later, and am still suffering. I think it hit me today that I might actually always suffer from anxiety, and that scared me. I thought "if I work really hard and make major changes, it will just go away." And perhaps it might. But perhaps it might not, and I'm learning to accept that possibility.
As angry as I was today, I started thinking before writing tonight. My cousin would tell you that I'm always negative, and I would tend to agree. So, as part of my journey, I've been trying to think positively not only about my anxiety condition, but about the obstacles I've overcome. To that end, I tried to think positively about what happened last night. As terrible as that experience was, I handled it. Two years ago, I would have never been able to calm myself down and stop my anxiety from turning into a full blown panic attack. Two years ago, I would have needed to leave the restaurant and go home. Two years ago, I would have called my sister from the bathroom, crying and hysterical (which has actually happened more than once). I haven't had a full panic attack since July 2014. That's something to celebrate, even if I was a miserable mess last night!
I'm sharing this experience with you because I want you to know that my journey isn't perfect. I struggle on a daily basis with anxiety. I am constantly reading books and learning about ways to manage my anxiety. I'm a HUGE work in progress. No matter where you are in your journey, please know that it is a process and a labor of love. But it will also be a labor of hate, like it has been for me this week. It is important, though, to not lose focus on accomplishments, no matter how small. Try hard, as I did, to look at the positive aspects of your journey, particularly when you find yourself in a low part of that journey.
Therapy:
This week, I want to talk about therapy. The first thing I did 2 years ago when I said "enough is enough," was to find a therapist. I went to therapy once a week for about 4 months, after which time I felt I learned enough to be able to continue the journey with the support of family and friends.
After my last post, I received a message from someone that I went to college with, explaining to me that he secretly suffers from anxiety and has not told his family about his struggles. I started talking to him about the prospects of therapy, and he said that he didn't know "if it was right for him," noting further that "therapy is for the weak." I wasn't surprised by that statement, as therapy tends to culturally carry with it that negative stigma. But I want to assure you, therapy is NOT for the weak.
In fact, it takes a very strong and confident person to start therapy. A weak person would be unwilling to look inwards at what is causing his or her struggles. A weak person would be unwilling and/or incapable of facing his or her problems. Conversely, a strong person, that is desirous of positive change, will do anything to achieve that desire.
If you have been thinking about therapy, and the only thing stopping you is the stigmas associated with therapy, I strongly encourage you to take the next step and start therapy. You don't need to tell anyone that you attend therapy sessions. You don't need to feel ashamed. It can be your little secret, if you so choose.
I personally found therapy to be highly beneficial for several reasons:
(1) I recommend (at least at the start) one-on-one therapy. One-on-one therapy is crucial, in my opinion, for starting to understand your specific anxiety and triggers. In larger group settings, you may hear about other people's anxiety problems, which may tend to make your anxiety worse (most likely because then you will start fearing what that person is fearing). A therapist that is devoted only to you for an hour, is more likely to focus on your specific issues and provide tools to begin addressing those specific issues.
(2) Therapy was beneficial for me because it forced me to make the changes that I was speaking about. I'm an overachiever. When my therapist gave me "homework," I was damned sure I was going to come back the next week and tell her that not only did I finish that homework, but I started working on additional tools to combat my anxiety issues. I wasn't going to fail therapy, and by not failing, I was forced to actually do the mental and physical work that is necessary to make anxiety better.
(3) Therapy may also be beneficial for you because you will learn a lot about your specific anxiety disorder. I did. I not only learned a lot about my anxiety and panic, but I learned what triggers were causing specific anxious reactions. Without the benefit of a trained professional, I would not have learned those types of skills.
(4) It is good to talk to someone and, particularly, someone that is not biased and is licensed to speak to you about anxiety. My family and friends have been tremendously understanding when it comes to my anxiety. But I often hear "I'm so sorry you're going through this and it's so hard for me to understand your anxiety because I don't suffer from it." I understand that statement. If I didn't suffer from anxiety, I wouldn't understand it either. While support from family and friends is key (and no doubt has gotten me to where I am today), support from someone that understands what you're going through and is completely neutral can be a much needed bonus.
(5) Lastly, education is power. My therapist explained to me the history of anxiety and why I was feeling certain ways when I became anxious. She explained to me why I was having certain physiological reactions to specific anxious thought patterns. She explained to me why my physiological reactions weren't dangerous, even if they felt dangerous. She explained to me how the parasympathetic (relaxation response) and sympathetic (fight or flight response) nervous systems work in relation to anxiety. Knowing about your specific anxiety condition is key, and a trained therapist will help educate you.
If you are interested in therapy, I suggest a simple Google search for therapists in your area. Look for someone that is highly rated and specializes in anxiety/panic. If you are religious, think about a faith-based therapist that may be able to help you on a spiritual level as well. If you don't think individual therapy will be beneficial, try group therapy.
Here is an online resource for finding a therapist near you: http://treatment.adaa.org/. There is a difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist. A psychologist is not able to write prescriptions, but may recommended a patient be seen by a psychiatrist in order to receive medications. I recommend seeing a psychologist first, as I've heard that psychiatrists may be too quick to recommend medication. Though medication can be helpful (and I've personally taken medication to help with anxiety), I'm of the opinion that it is more important to work on your mental health without medication if possible. For instance, medication wouldn't have helped me as quickly last night as the mental techniques did. My therapist was a psychologist and worked with my primary care physician to prescribe medication, at my request. However, my therapist did not push medication on me and worked with me naturally before recommending that medication may be helpful.
I hope this week's blog has been helpful. I was too optimistic in thinking that I could blog weekly, but I will write my next post (about books that I recommend to help anxiety) as soon as possible. Please feel free to comment directly on the website or email me if you have any questions/comments that are personal! Thanks for reading :)
Update on My Journey:
Before we talk about therapy, I wanted to share with you my ongoing journey. I had a bad week and today I woke up angry. Why was I angry? Last night, I was arguably at the nicest and best seafood restaurant in Cleveland, hosting my aunt and uncle who drove 3+ hours from Michigan to visit me. We were enjoying the wonderful view, the bottle of wine that my boyfriend graciously bought for the table, and our delicious appetizers. Everything was perfect. And then, out of nowhere, and for no rhyme or reason, I started feeling very anxious. The anxiety starting feel insurmountable. I excused myself from the table and said I had to go to the bathroom. I sat in the bathroom for about 10 minutes, breathing deeply and focusing on the techniques that I've learned over the past 2 years. I was able to calm myself down, and the anxiety started to feel more manageable. I went back to the table and tried to enjoy conversation and wine. Boom. Just like that, I was excusing myself again to go to the bathroom to manage insurmountable feelings of panic and anxiety. I again worked through the feelings and used the breathing/meditation techniques I practice on a daily basis to get through the panic. I was successful and the anxiety never reached a full blown panic attack. I didn't tell my family or my boyfriend what was going on. For me, I find it easiest to not draw attention to my anxiety.
When I got home last night, everyone went to bed and I laid on the couch, feeling terrible. All I wanted to do was cry. The night was spoiled. I was mad (mostly because of the anxiety, but also because I couldn't enjoy the $40 bouillabaisse that I ordered). I laid on the couch for the better half of an hour, smelling my lavender essential oil and doing a guided meditation exercise on my iPhone using the app called "Calm." I struggled the rest of the night trying to calm my anxiety down. All I wanted to do was fall asleep so that my thoughts would stop and I wouldn't suffer anymore.
I eventually fell asleep and woke up today feeling angry. I asked myself questions like "why do I have to suffer from anxiety?" "I've worked so hard these past 2+ years and I'm still suffering - will it ever get better?" I finally told my boyfriend what happened and it felt comforting to talk to him about it. I went out to breakfast with my aunt and uncle and felt fine all day.
Last night's experience brought me back to August 2014 when I was supposed to visit my aunt and uncle in Michigan for a weekend. My panic had gotten so bad that I had to cancel the trip entirely. That's when I began my journey and really said "enough is enough." I was angry last night and today because here I am, 2 years later, and am still suffering. I think it hit me today that I might actually always suffer from anxiety, and that scared me. I thought "if I work really hard and make major changes, it will just go away." And perhaps it might. But perhaps it might not, and I'm learning to accept that possibility.
As angry as I was today, I started thinking before writing tonight. My cousin would tell you that I'm always negative, and I would tend to agree. So, as part of my journey, I've been trying to think positively not only about my anxiety condition, but about the obstacles I've overcome. To that end, I tried to think positively about what happened last night. As terrible as that experience was, I handled it. Two years ago, I would have never been able to calm myself down and stop my anxiety from turning into a full blown panic attack. Two years ago, I would have needed to leave the restaurant and go home. Two years ago, I would have called my sister from the bathroom, crying and hysterical (which has actually happened more than once). I haven't had a full panic attack since July 2014. That's something to celebrate, even if I was a miserable mess last night!
I'm sharing this experience with you because I want you to know that my journey isn't perfect. I struggle on a daily basis with anxiety. I am constantly reading books and learning about ways to manage my anxiety. I'm a HUGE work in progress. No matter where you are in your journey, please know that it is a process and a labor of love. But it will also be a labor of hate, like it has been for me this week. It is important, though, to not lose focus on accomplishments, no matter how small. Try hard, as I did, to look at the positive aspects of your journey, particularly when you find yourself in a low part of that journey.
Therapy:
This week, I want to talk about therapy. The first thing I did 2 years ago when I said "enough is enough," was to find a therapist. I went to therapy once a week for about 4 months, after which time I felt I learned enough to be able to continue the journey with the support of family and friends.
After my last post, I received a message from someone that I went to college with, explaining to me that he secretly suffers from anxiety and has not told his family about his struggles. I started talking to him about the prospects of therapy, and he said that he didn't know "if it was right for him," noting further that "therapy is for the weak." I wasn't surprised by that statement, as therapy tends to culturally carry with it that negative stigma. But I want to assure you, therapy is NOT for the weak.
In fact, it takes a very strong and confident person to start therapy. A weak person would be unwilling to look inwards at what is causing his or her struggles. A weak person would be unwilling and/or incapable of facing his or her problems. Conversely, a strong person, that is desirous of positive change, will do anything to achieve that desire.
If you have been thinking about therapy, and the only thing stopping you is the stigmas associated with therapy, I strongly encourage you to take the next step and start therapy. You don't need to tell anyone that you attend therapy sessions. You don't need to feel ashamed. It can be your little secret, if you so choose.
I personally found therapy to be highly beneficial for several reasons:
(1) I recommend (at least at the start) one-on-one therapy. One-on-one therapy is crucial, in my opinion, for starting to understand your specific anxiety and triggers. In larger group settings, you may hear about other people's anxiety problems, which may tend to make your anxiety worse (most likely because then you will start fearing what that person is fearing). A therapist that is devoted only to you for an hour, is more likely to focus on your specific issues and provide tools to begin addressing those specific issues.
(2) Therapy was beneficial for me because it forced me to make the changes that I was speaking about. I'm an overachiever. When my therapist gave me "homework," I was damned sure I was going to come back the next week and tell her that not only did I finish that homework, but I started working on additional tools to combat my anxiety issues. I wasn't going to fail therapy, and by not failing, I was forced to actually do the mental and physical work that is necessary to make anxiety better.
(3) Therapy may also be beneficial for you because you will learn a lot about your specific anxiety disorder. I did. I not only learned a lot about my anxiety and panic, but I learned what triggers were causing specific anxious reactions. Without the benefit of a trained professional, I would not have learned those types of skills.
(4) It is good to talk to someone and, particularly, someone that is not biased and is licensed to speak to you about anxiety. My family and friends have been tremendously understanding when it comes to my anxiety. But I often hear "I'm so sorry you're going through this and it's so hard for me to understand your anxiety because I don't suffer from it." I understand that statement. If I didn't suffer from anxiety, I wouldn't understand it either. While support from family and friends is key (and no doubt has gotten me to where I am today), support from someone that understands what you're going through and is completely neutral can be a much needed bonus.
(5) Lastly, education is power. My therapist explained to me the history of anxiety and why I was feeling certain ways when I became anxious. She explained to me why I was having certain physiological reactions to specific anxious thought patterns. She explained to me why my physiological reactions weren't dangerous, even if they felt dangerous. She explained to me how the parasympathetic (relaxation response) and sympathetic (fight or flight response) nervous systems work in relation to anxiety. Knowing about your specific anxiety condition is key, and a trained therapist will help educate you.
If you are interested in therapy, I suggest a simple Google search for therapists in your area. Look for someone that is highly rated and specializes in anxiety/panic. If you are religious, think about a faith-based therapist that may be able to help you on a spiritual level as well. If you don't think individual therapy will be beneficial, try group therapy.
Here is an online resource for finding a therapist near you: http://treatment.adaa.org/. There is a difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist. A psychologist is not able to write prescriptions, but may recommended a patient be seen by a psychiatrist in order to receive medications. I recommend seeing a psychologist first, as I've heard that psychiatrists may be too quick to recommend medication. Though medication can be helpful (and I've personally taken medication to help with anxiety), I'm of the opinion that it is more important to work on your mental health without medication if possible. For instance, medication wouldn't have helped me as quickly last night as the mental techniques did. My therapist was a psychologist and worked with my primary care physician to prescribe medication, at my request. However, my therapist did not push medication on me and worked with me naturally before recommending that medication may be helpful.
I hope this week's blog has been helpful. I was too optimistic in thinking that I could blog weekly, but I will write my next post (about books that I recommend to help anxiety) as soon as possible. Please feel free to comment directly on the website or email me if you have any questions/comments that are personal! Thanks for reading :)